Who knew that all it would take to find happiness and love was a good set of social skills? I can only imagine the angst I would have been spared if I had known this in middle school on Valentine’s Day.

Catherine Pearson, a reporter who writes about families and relationships, titled a recent article for The New York Times, “What’s the Secret to Happiness? These Researchers Have a Theory.” (February 10, 2026) Pearson talked with Dr. Sonya Lyubomirsky, a leading researcher on the science of happiness, who co-authored the book How to Feel Loved with Dr. Harry Reis.

Pearson explained that research on love and happiness “has tended to focus on the love one feels for others. But in fact, Dr. Lyubomirsky and Dr. Reis argue in their book, what really makes us happy is how much love we feel coming back to us.”

To feel the love, the good doctors advise not to “focus your energy on trying to change anyone. Instead, change the conversations you’re having.” They recommend becoming a better listener to help make the person feel loved. And if that doesn’t work, know when to throw in the towel.

Writes Pearson, “Of course, sometimes you can do your best to listen and be open, and the other person gives you zilch in return. If that’s the case—or if you are finding it challenging to muster genuine curiosity [in the person]—those are signs this isn’t the right relationship to invest a lot of effort and energy in.”

God loved us when we had zilch to return. I wonder if Paul was remembering his old hate-filled, self-righteous self when he wrote to the church in Rome, “but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8) And then he was astounded all over again by this love when he wrote these lyrical words: “neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:38-39)

God also loves us when we think we have a lot to bring to the table. He loves us when we are proud that we are not like those sinners out there—and we might not say this part out loud—but isn’t God lucky to have us. It’s when we come empty-handed to another table, simply set with a cup and bread, that we remember and are amazed all over again at the breadth and length and height and depth of Christ’s love.

It’s a grace that God doesn’t need our relationship advice. If he did, he would have thrown in the towel a long time ago. Instead, his beloved Son picked up the towel and washed his followers’ feet, including one pair that would run off into the darkness of betrayal, and another to the despair of denial, and even then, he loved them to the end. (John 13:1)

Love so amazing, so divine,
demands my soul, my life, my all.